March 13, 2013
Well, it has taken me two years to be able to write the ending to this blog. Several friends have asked WHY? Why aren't you writing about what has happened? Why aren't you sharing?
Honestly, every time I would attempt to go back to those days and to that time...my heart and soul wouldn't let me. For some reason I needed all this time to be away from it. To make sure I was taking in everything that was happening in the here and now. To appreciate. To absorb and to not take for granted.
Every time I tried to go back to that - I couldn't. I have only now, in 2013, been able to go back and read the entries from those days after the earthquake.
Reading it all, I still cry like it was the day it happened. I still feel the ground under me shake. I still know the terror that enveloped me when I was racing for my son. The uncertainty and hollow feeling, wondering if my husband was safe. The sheer magnitude of it all...still makes me very uneasy.
Something strange washed over me today. I realized that I am a different person now. That day forever changed me. Changed my inner self. Changed my outer ways. Changed the way I look at life. The way I look at my family and friends...My husband. My son.
Yes, I am still basically the same - but - very different.
I am happy about that.
This is what I have to say about the rest:
Two years ago today - we arrived back in the States after the scariest event of our lives.
Two years ago today - I have never been so happy to see the inside of a dirty American airport.
Two years ago today - I realized I may never see my friend Cindy again.
Two years ago today - I walked on Venice Beach at sunset with my husband and my son. Ate Italian at a beach cafe while a ram-shackled band played off in the distance on the beach.
Two years ago today - I wanted to be with my Mom.
Two years ago today - I wondered how this catastrophic event would impact my son.
Two years ago today - I passed out from exhaustion in a hotel in Los Angeles, while my husband and son watched mindless cartoons.
Two years ago today - I started answering the never ending questions from my son about how come we can not go back to Japan.
Two years ago today - the beginning of the end of our expat journey started .
So today, two years later, I wonder what life is like there now. I see posts on FB from friends I met, but I wonder what it is REALLY like. The day to day. Do I want to go back...NO. I do wish I had delved in more while I was there. Even though, with a three year old and no Japanese speaking skills...I don't know how that would have been possible.
Now that he is six, my son understands that he lived there. Says he remembers the day and the earthquake - not so sure. I know he remembers a little about the house we lived in. He remembers learning to ride his bike in that house. But not much else. He remembers his first real friend - Aiden. He says he misses him and wishes to go to Australia to see him one day. Maybe they will actually remember each other.
As for me...
I am so gratelful to be here. To be settled in what I consider to be "home". I know that my husband will have to go back in the future. That is part of his job and that is part of our life. I don't know if I will ever go back. As beautiful as the gardens are. As gentle as the people are...I believe my time in the Orient is forever over.
Two years later - this will be the last entry to this blog. I now have the courage to put an end to this chapter of my life. The courage to come to terms with what we were divinely blessed to live through.
God-Speed,
Deeds
**I will print this blog as a book and save it for my son when he is older. I think reading this will help to really understand what he lived through. What he experienced at such a young age, good and bad. For him to understand that he was one of the blessed ones who actually made it home that day.
Well, it has taken me two years to be able to write the ending to this blog. Several friends have asked WHY? Why aren't you writing about what has happened? Why aren't you sharing?
Honestly, every time I would attempt to go back to those days and to that time...my heart and soul wouldn't let me. For some reason I needed all this time to be away from it. To make sure I was taking in everything that was happening in the here and now. To appreciate. To absorb and to not take for granted.
Every time I tried to go back to that - I couldn't. I have only now, in 2013, been able to go back and read the entries from those days after the earthquake.
Reading it all, I still cry like it was the day it happened. I still feel the ground under me shake. I still know the terror that enveloped me when I was racing for my son. The uncertainty and hollow feeling, wondering if my husband was safe. The sheer magnitude of it all...still makes me very uneasy.
Something strange washed over me today. I realized that I am a different person now. That day forever changed me. Changed my inner self. Changed my outer ways. Changed the way I look at life. The way I look at my family and friends...My husband. My son.
Yes, I am still basically the same - but - very different.
I am happy about that.
This is what I have to say about the rest:
Two years ago today - we arrived back in the States after the scariest event of our lives.
Two years ago today - I have never been so happy to see the inside of a dirty American airport.
Two years ago today - I realized I may never see my friend Cindy again.
Two years ago today - I walked on Venice Beach at sunset with my husband and my son. Ate Italian at a beach cafe while a ram-shackled band played off in the distance on the beach.
Two years ago today - I wanted to be with my Mom.
Two years ago today - I wondered how this catastrophic event would impact my son.
Two years ago today - I passed out from exhaustion in a hotel in Los Angeles, while my husband and son watched mindless cartoons.
Two years ago today - I started answering the never ending questions from my son about how come we can not go back to Japan.
Two years ago today - the beginning of the end of our expat journey started .
So today, two years later, I wonder what life is like there now. I see posts on FB from friends I met, but I wonder what it is REALLY like. The day to day. Do I want to go back...NO. I do wish I had delved in more while I was there. Even though, with a three year old and no Japanese speaking skills...I don't know how that would have been possible.
Now that he is six, my son understands that he lived there. Says he remembers the day and the earthquake - not so sure. I know he remembers a little about the house we lived in. He remembers learning to ride his bike in that house. But not much else. He remembers his first real friend - Aiden. He says he misses him and wishes to go to Australia to see him one day. Maybe they will actually remember each other.
As for me...
I am so gratelful to be here. To be settled in what I consider to be "home". I know that my husband will have to go back in the future. That is part of his job and that is part of our life. I don't know if I will ever go back. As beautiful as the gardens are. As gentle as the people are...I believe my time in the Orient is forever over.
Two years later - this will be the last entry to this blog. I now have the courage to put an end to this chapter of my life. The courage to come to terms with what we were divinely blessed to live through.
God-Speed,
Deeds
**I will print this blog as a book and save it for my son when he is older. I think reading this will help to really understand what he lived through. What he experienced at such a young age, good and bad. For him to understand that he was one of the blessed ones who actually made it home that day.
